Really Funny Quotes, posted just for your reading pleasure

Found at one of my favorite daily stops: http://acrosstheboard.blogspot.com/

"I don't want to like slander anyone on national television- but her girlfriend is ugly as hell."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."

"The greatest possession you have is the 24 hours directly in front of you."

"When god closes a door, he always opens a window, because you can't throw yourself out of a door."

"Life all comes down to a few moments. This is one of them."

"If you need a friend, get a dog."

"The 1961 Ferrari, two-fifty GT California. Less than a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this car. It is his love, it is his passion...It is his fault he didn't lock the garage."

"The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing. Only a person who risks is free."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives."

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

"Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?"

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"To alcohol, the nights that you'll never remember, with the friends you'll never forget!"

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

"Retail is for suckers."

"Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?"

"When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

"Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?"

"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."

"No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning."

"Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?"

"Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?"

"PA State Cop: Pull over. Harry: No. It's a cardigan. But thanks for noticing. Lloyd Christmas: Yeah. Killer boots man."

"Airport Clerk: Sir, you can't go in there! Lloyd Christmas: It's ok, I'm a limo driver!"

"Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up money for a pet store. I got worms! Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon? Lloyd Christmas: I got worms! That's what we're going to call it.

"Harry: Check out the funbags on that hosehound."

"Lloyd Christmas: So where are you headin'? Mary Swanson: Aspen. Lloyd Christmas: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!"

"Would you like to dippasize your meal for 25 cents more? How bout I punchisize your face-for free?"

"Do I look like a cat to you? Do you see me jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Do I lick milk from a saucer?"

"It stinks like sex in here."

"You wanna take this one Rod? Hell yeah. I bet you do"

"Sunshine on my god damn shoulders John Denver!"

"Pull over! I'm already pulled over! He's already pulled over, he can't pull over anymore! I'm freakin out man!"

"Do you know why we really pulled you over? Littering and ..littering and ? Littering and.. Littering and.. Littering and.. smokin the reefer!..now we're gonna make you boys smoke this whole bag right now!"

"It's not so funny meow is it?"

"That was the first time in my life that I wanted to be Chuck Norris."

"Maximus: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

"Kathryn: Eat me, Sebastian. It's okay for guys like you and Court to fuck everyone but when I do it, I get dumped for innocent little twits like Cecile. God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex. Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself."

"Hey, how exactly is a rainbow made? How exactly does the sun set? How exactly does the posi-trac rear end on a Plymouth work?-it just does." - Joe Dirte (pronounced 'dear-tae')

"A good friend picks you up when you fall...a best friend laughs her ass off, trips you again, and calls you a slut."

"(Ted) "Surely you can't e serioius." (Dr. Womak) "Yes i am serious, and don't call me Shirly." - Airplane"